By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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