Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
