I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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