Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
