well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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