Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
