tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
