Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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