I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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