i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
