i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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