my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
