Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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