just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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