Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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