yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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