I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
