you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
