i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She's the barista slut.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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