I accidentally burped into my bong.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
