So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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