thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
