Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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