He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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