I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
