maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
