someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I will be naked everywhere
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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