I can text with my tongue
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
