When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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