I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
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