Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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