if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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