quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
