dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
