I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
