it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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