four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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