our cab driver is having phone sex.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
