My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
