I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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