I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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