And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
