I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
