He had one of those small greek statue penises
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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