you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
