new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
