from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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