Don't make out with my wife yet
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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