I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
