I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
