if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
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your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
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My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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