Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
