My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
