A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
