toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
