well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
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When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
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I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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