he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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