My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
