Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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